Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
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Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Life cycle of cat
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
monday
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
this will hang in the louvre one day
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super