[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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I’d hang this in my house.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.