@SCbchbum

Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.

@SCbchbum

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

@SCbchbum

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

@SCbchbum

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

@SCbchbum

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

@SCbchbum

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

@SCbchbum

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

@SCbchbum

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

@SCbchbum

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

@SCbchbum

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”