@SCbchbum

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

@SCbchbum

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

@SCbchbum

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

@SCbchbum

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

@SCbchbum

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

@SCbchbum

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

@SCbchbum

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

@SCbchbum

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

@SCbchbum

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

@SCbchbum

“Don’t kill it!” my friend pleaded for a spider’s life inside. So I carefully trapped it in a cup, brought it outside, then stomped on it.