If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won’t be able to come over & visit.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.