How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now