If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG