Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
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Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.