My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
You Might Also Like
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.