Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
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Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.