My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
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Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again