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Page of SJSchauer's best tweets

@SJSchauer : Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

@SJSchauer: being bisexual means i'm attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

@SJSchauer: Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I'd like to eat them--

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ'ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

@SJSchauer: Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

@SJSchauer: This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

@SJSchauer: You know who also didn't have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn't looking great for any of us.

@SJSchauer: Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

@SJSchauer: Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine's Day...

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

@SJSchauer: Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

@SJSchauer: *concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it's raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no