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@SJSchauer : Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
@SJSchauer: being bisexual means i'm attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
@SJSchauer: Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I'd like to eat them--
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ'ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
@SJSchauer: Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
@SJSchauer: This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
@SJSchauer: You know who also didn't have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn't looking great for any of us.
@SJSchauer: Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
@SJSchauer: Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine's Day...
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it's raining
Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no