@SJSchauer

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

@SJSchauer

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

@SJSchauer

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

@SJSchauer

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.

@SJSchauer

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

@SJSchauer

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

@SJSchauer

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

@SJSchauer

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

@SJSchauer

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice