There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
that lip filler tho
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*