@SJSchauer

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

@SJSchauer

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

@SJSchauer

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

@SJSchauer

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

@SJSchauer

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

@SJSchauer

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

@SJSchauer

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

@SJSchauer

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

@SJSchauer

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

@SJSchauer

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road