@SJSchauer

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

@SJSchauer

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

@SJSchauer

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

@SJSchauer

[at SunMaid farms with a guy]

Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins