wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.