ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”