[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
You Might Also Like
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Feel. He’s so soft.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?