The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
You Might Also Like
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Weighing up my bread heating options
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching