me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
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WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.