Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
the icebreaker
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.