I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when