Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
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In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.