You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
He’s dead
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
When the stylist spins you back around
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.