I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
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morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Y’all ready for this
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“No way.” -Jose
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.