You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.