@Steelers1972

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

@Steelers1972

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@Steelers1972

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

@Steelers1972

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

@Steelers1972

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

@Steelers1972

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

@Steelers1972

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

@Steelers1972

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.