“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
You Might Also Like
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Yup
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.