But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.