I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I think this should do it.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
This tweet has been deleted
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME