I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
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ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Bike for sale
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*