Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
any last words?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?