Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
dude it’s called proctologist
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car