Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.