ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes