HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
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ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?