“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.