Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.