You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
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*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
How did we not see this back then?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
finally found a reasonable question
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.