As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
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When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
water it, i dare you
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.