Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
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THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud