[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
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My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO