I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…