GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?
Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?
*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?
Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.
Me: I’m gonna make a salad
Her: I think the lettuce went bad
[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath
Her: Ah I can’t wait to take it
*hands her paper*
Me: I used your eyeliner pencil
I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.
Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.
Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.
Boss: Just get out.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.