@Sal0630

GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?

Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.

@Sal0630

Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?

Me: Yup

*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

@Sal0630

I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?

@Sal0630

Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.

@Sal0630

Me: I’m gonna make a salad

Her: I think the lettuce went bad

[opens fridge]

[lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]

@Sal0630

Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath

Her: Ah I can’t wait to take it

*hands her paper*

Me: I used your eyeliner pencil

@Sal0630

I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.

@Sal0630

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.

@Sal0630

Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee

@Sal0630

A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.