good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.