Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
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Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
This has made my week.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
back to work
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Oh no 😂😂💔😭