I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
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God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
The real reason evolution started..😂
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”