*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
You Might Also Like
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
the world’s most popular steaming services
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Ha
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*