Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of SaltyCorpse's best tweets

@SaltyCorpse : My daughter's school is selling apples for their band.

If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

@SaltyCorpse: 16: Our teachers won't let us charge our phones. Even if we're on 1%. It's not safe.

Me: Nobody even put me in a car seat.

@SaltyCorpse: Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?

@SaltyCorpse: Once again I've managed to poke myself in the eye with my own finger like my eyes have not been in the same goddamn spot for forty five goddamn years.

@SaltyCorpse: My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?

@SaltyCorpse: My dogs: Get up and feed us.

Me: It's Saturday. We don't need to be up yet.

My dogs: Don't make us get the cat...

@SaltyCorpse: My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked "What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?"

When do I get to go to heaven?

@SaltyCorpse: I took my 16 year old's phone away for a week and I'm 100% sure I'm very sorry about what she did.

@SaltyCorpse: Yesterday I bought a ribeye.

Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.

I don't even feel bad about it.