*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
wow
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.