@SaltyCorpse: Holy shit.
My daughter found something on her own.
Am I done? Is she raised now?
@SaltyCorpse: Once again I've managed to poke myself in the eye with my own finger like my eyes have not been in the same goddamn spot for forty five goddamn years.
@SaltyCorpse: My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.
How do we dissolve her parental rights?
@SaltyCorpse: My dogs: Get up and feed us.
Me: It's Saturday. We don't need to be up yet.
My dogs: Don't make us get the cat...
@SaltyCorpse: My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked "What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?"
When do I get to go to heaven?
@SaltyCorpse: I took my 16 year old's phone away for a week and I'm 100% sure I'm very sorry about what she did.
@SaltyCorpse: Yesterday I bought a ribeye.
Today I cooked it with mushrooms and onions and ate it before my kids got home.
I don't even feel bad about it.
@SaltyCorpse: My dog: I can't get her up.
My Other dog: Did you lick her face?
My dog: Yeah, no dice.
My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?
My dog: Yes. Sheesh.
My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she's up, peasants.