I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
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Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I’m calling the cops.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.