God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
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me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
everyone’s a critic
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf