Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
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Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien