Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
You Might Also Like
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My background check bounced.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.