Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.