OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
You Might Also Like
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”