I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
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Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
hackers play passwordle
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?